Dammit, I hanged off their nose off.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To eat Bob's arms.
Bob went to hospital and had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Bob.
John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.
My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.
My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.
My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
What happened when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Complete and utter destruction.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she got shot. Dumb bitch!
What will happen if someone kicks you right in the balls?
You will be like, "Ow, my nuts!"
I slit my wrists.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
Why did Sally get a black eye?
She tried to play patty cake!
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
