Injury jokes

He got a paper cut and bled out.

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

My step-dad works at a lumberjack company and he took me to work. I went climbing trees later that day and now I'm in the hospital.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?

A baby with a javelin in its head!

"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.

When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.

The doctor said, "You're all right now."

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"

John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To eat Bob's arms.

Bob went to hospital and had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Bob.

My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.

My pet parrot had an accident and lost both his wings... he is being very brave about it though... he is totally unflappable.

Dammit, I hanged off their nose off.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.

Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."