Injury jokes

I slit my wrists.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

Why did Sally get a black eye?

She tried to play patty cake!

"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"

Why did Sally get a black eye? Because she decided to play football.

Your forehead is so big you can jump without getting hurt.

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

A man walks in a bar. Ouchie!

What do you call a person with a hole in their head? Dead.

I'll break your bones, b*tch.

"Ouch!"

"What's wrong?"

"I stepped on a screw."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"

What did the girl say when she ran through the door?

Ouch.

What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.

I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

It’s raining, it’s pouring. The old man is snoring. He got shot in the head and didn’t wake up in the morning.

What did John say after someone shot his leg?

Oof!

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

What falls and never gets hurt? Rain ☔