ID jokes

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one, bummer!

Are you the Twin Towers? Because I'd smash.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

If I had to rate the attack on the Twin Towers from the Muslims, I'd give it a 9/11.

You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.

I'd tell a 9/11 joke, but it would crash and burn.

I'd make a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy. I know y'all have too thick of a crust to get it!

I'd make a joke about the chin bones, but y'all couldn't mandle it.

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

What do emo kids like to smoke?

"Marjuanakillmyself."

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.