ID jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.

What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I'd make a joke about Noble Gases, but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction.

What did the panther say at the poker party?

I'd be lion if I said I was a cheetah.

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

So I made a simple cancer joke on Roblox with my friend, and then both her dumb-ass friends were like, "OMG WHY WOULD U SAY DAT? YOUR HORRIBLE!!" That pissed me off. Like damn woman, it's not like I said, "IF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DIED FROM CANCER THAT MEANS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ALL DUMB-ASSES." If anything they are actually dumb asses but hey. Also they can't talk. They don't know that I'm abused everyday at home and pressured to get good grades or else I'd get my head bashed against a wall till there is blood. So if they are reading this, SUCK MY ASS BITCH.

Hey girl, is that an ass seen on TV, 'cause I'd buy it.

Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

I mean I'd tell you a joke about the pizza I ate, but it's just too cheesy.

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.