Vampire jokes
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine.
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.
Me: *stabs vampire*
Wife: omg
Me: *beats vampire to death*
Wife: OMG
Me: What?
Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!
Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
What's a cannibal's favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
Halloween joke:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A blood test.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
What flies around the school at night?
Alpha-bats!
What's common in vampires and American kids?
They both don't get old.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.