Vampire Jokes


A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

in Depression

I tried to get my bloood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside


what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? same time next month?


A Vampire goes to the Bakery:

Vampire🧛‍♂️: „One Bun please.“

Bäcker👩‍🍳: „But you're Vampire, don't you need blood 🩸 ?“

Vampir🧛‍♂️: „Yes, there is an accident outside and i need something to dip“


3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

in Puns

What is a vampire’s favourite fruit?

A nectarine


Q:how can you tell if a vampire is sick

A:By how much hes coffin

in Puns

A Vampire Stalks you into a field of corn, The stakes have never been higher...

in Puns

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman


in Halloween

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats vampire to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

me: well thats a sticky situation now isnt it barbara

Old timer

Mommy mommy! Are we Vampires? Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.

Kill me

What do you call vampire Matt Damon? Bat Damon!

pro joker

I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

Halloween joke:

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

A blood test


What do lesbian vampires say after sex?

"See you next month."

in Fruit

what's a vampires favourite fruit? a neck-tarine


What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "Same time next month?"

in Orphan

Why did the Vampire put his son up for adoption? He thought his son sucked.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?……. Frostbite.