Vampire jokes
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
What do you call vampire Matt Damon?
Bat Damon!
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.
The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)
Why can't vampires tell jokes right? All their jokes just SUCK.
I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
A vampire goes to the bakery.
Vampire: "One bun, please."
Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"
Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Summary of Twilight in one sentence:
Bella hits on two guys, runs away. Edward glances to Jacob saying, "Go Fetch," and suddenly Bella's his.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because they can't drink Bloody Marys because they are vampires.
Why did the vampire go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: By how much he's coffin.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
Why are vampires always sick?
Because they are coffin.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is a vampire's favorite animal? A giraffe.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Those two jokes are not funny at all!