Vampire

Vampire Jokes

Bar

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

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  • Blood

    I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

    Bakery

    A vampire goes to the bakery.

    Vampire: "One bun, please."

    Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

    Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

    Bar

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”

    The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”

    “Hot water?”

    “I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”

    Memes

    Stake

    A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...

    Mommy

    Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?

    Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

    Zombie

    I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.

    Wife

    Me: *stabs vampire*

    Wife: omg

    Me: *beats vampire to death*

    Wife: OMG

    Me: What?

    Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!

    Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?

    Wizard

    What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

    One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

    Teacher

    What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

    Lots of blood tests!

    Kid

    What's common in vampires and American kids?

    They both don't get old.