Humor

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a rabbit?

One has kids to protect from predators, and the other has kids for predators.

Time flies by, doesn’t it?

But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

Humor is like skin; the darker it gets, the less people like it.

What do gingers miss most at a grate party?

The invitation.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?

Good question.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to be there.

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

What did Daveon say when he saw a spider? "I'm Dave-on with this!"

BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.

How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.