Humor
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.
Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What do gingers miss most at a grate party?
The invitation.
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just like hanging in the dark.
What’s a rapper’s favorite martial art?
Punchlines.
What words black people can't say? "Thanks for your help, officer."
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Craps on your organ.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.