Humor
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
BlessedBrian must have been born on April Fools’ Day... because he’s a joke every day of the year.
BlessedBrian’s mom’s birth certificate is a COLLECTOR’S ITEM.
How do rappers like their coffee? With a lot of flow creamer.
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
What’s the difference between Swifties and rap fans?
One rap fan has a higher IQ than every Swiftie combined.
Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.
Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏
Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
What’s black and white and red all over?
A crushed nun!
What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Craps on your organ.
What do you call a gay guy eating Cheerios?
Fruit Loops.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
What is Hitler's least favorite fish?
Jewfish.
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!