I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Humor
Memories: I have ligma.
Ligma what?
Ligma balls.
Dad: Johnny, Johnny?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Getting women?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Telling lies?
Johnny: No, Papa.
Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!
What do you call a dad without a dad joke?
Dead.
Hey baba girl, I have balls, you know.
"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"
"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."
I photo bombed someone's selfie, and then they yelled, "Why would you do that? I was trying to take a family photo!"
What's the hardest part about making vegetable stew?
Trying to get the wheelchair to fit into the pot.
Student: It's hot in here.
Teacher: That's because I'm in here.
I saw an orphan on the road. I asked him if he's an orphan. The kid says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"
I say, "Your parents."
Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?
Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)
Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.
Me: *Confused*
Sister: They're both horrible.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Joem.
Joem who?
Joem Ama.
Your mum is so fat that when she walked past the television, I missed a whole series of SpongeBob.
Your hairline is so far back, when your forehead was playing tag, your hairline ran away real far.
Mary: If you born pikin (child) inside shop, wetin you go call that pikin (child)?
Mike: The pikin (child) go bear Bishop.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.
How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.
What do you call a nerd in space?
A space nerd.
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.
Mom: Witherspoon.
Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!
