Humor
I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.
I wanna tell you a scary math joke, but I'm too squared to tell you.
What did one alligator say to the other alligator?
"Let’s go for an all-in-one buffet!"
What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”
Reply back with “Because you were born.”
How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.
Devil: Hey angel.
Angel: Hi devil, why are you nice?
Devil: What do angels add to their food to make it a little more spicy?
Angel: What?
Devil: Angelpinos!
The best part of you ran down your mother's leg... Einstein got ready to climax while doing math but realized you can't cumtilyain cumtilion. It's after sucktillion fucktillion.
Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.
I had a joke about pizza, it's just too cheesy.
Did you know Yao Ming has the biggest penis in Chinese history? It measured in at nearly 5 inches!
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like. They can’t change anything.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
A boy was terrible at writing sentences, so his teacher gave him an assignment to help with that. The boy was to go home, write five sentences, and return to school the next day.
When he went home, he took a notepad and a pen and went to his dad for help. His dad was in a very important business call, so he angrily shouted at the child, "Shut up, you donkey!" The boy noted down that sentence. He next went to his mom, who assumed that he wanted to play video games, so she said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." That was his second sentence. For the third sentence, he went to his older brother, who was watching football where someone scored a goal, so he was jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!"
For the fourth sentence, he went to his sister, who was singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" For the last sentence, he went to his grandmother, who was cleaning the toilet and singing, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
He went to school the next day, and his teacher asked him to tell her the sentences. The boy said, "Shut up, you donkey!" The teacher got angry after hearing this and asked the boy, "Do you want me to slap you?" The boy said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." This made the teacher so angry that she slapped the boy. Immediately, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!" The teacher dragged him to the principal's office, as she was fed up with him. The principal asked the boy what his name was, to which he replied by singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" She asked him where he lived, so he sang, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!
What did the bull say to his son when he was going to school? "Bison!"