Humor

When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.

Have you ever seen the Pokemon called Ryh... Rhydon these nuts?

Bring out your weapons, people.

It's bullying time.

What's green and bad for your teeth?

A green brick.

Helen Keller walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair... and a wall.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

I don't like telling nine eleven jokes, because they always crash and burn.

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What should I sell my dragon for?

Dragon these balls across yo face!

What do you call a Gary Dinosaur?

A mega-sore-ass.

I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?

A: A jolly rancher.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite event? Their birthday!

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?

A pistachio.

Can I ask you a question? Nut now!

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.