Humor
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What’s the difference between Swifties and rap fans?
One rap fan has a higher IQ than every Swiftie combined.
If LEO were a spice, she’d be flour... BLAND and FORGETTABLE!
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
It's not a joke.
What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?
"Dine and dash."
What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.
Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?
Well, they aren't.
Why?
They aren't repeated customers.
Why did Uranus say gross? Because he saw Uranus.
Me: You have terrible jokes.
Mum: Shows me a mirror.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
Yo hairline caused corruption.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I don't know, but the Twin Towers do.