Humor

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!

Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."

Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud.

Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door.

Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.

What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?

A very pissed duck.

What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?

Neither do ever grow old.