Humor

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.

An orphanage is like a horse rescue: you rescue them, you rehabilitate them, and then you sell them to the highest bidder.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper.

What do you call the mushy stuff between sharks' teeth?

A slow swimmer...

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

What do you call a dinosaur with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots?

A Tyrannosaurus Tex.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?

A bolder choice.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

What did the orange say to the other orange?

I orange you glad!

Those were a-mug-zing jokes. They were Mugderful, and Mugjestic.

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that lives with the royal family?

Rolls Royce.

What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.

Jokes about ISIS are all about the execution.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.