Humor

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

I gave a blind kid a gun. I told him it was a hair dryer.

A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...

"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"

What is a joke that will never end even though you want it to?

For me, life.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

What is the slipperiest county?

Greece!

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Baby!"

"Baby who?"

"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"

"No thanks, I already ate."

There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Funny.

I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

What did the cactus look like with his tuxedo on?

Sharp! 🤣

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that lives with the royal family?

Rolls Royce.

Jokes about ISIS are all about the execution.

So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

How do you punish Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.