Humor

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!

Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

"Abortion: Another word for dying at spawn."

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

What is a porn star's favourite potato crisp flavour...

Prawn cocktail.

You know when people say a joke about living?

That's because we are all living a joke.

What is a group of singing terrorists called? A Taliband.

What do you call a prostitute weed dealer?

A pot-hole.

Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning? because they don't have balls to scratch.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, All the worse jokes come from you.

Is that ass a water barrier 'cause dam[n]?

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

What did the hot dog say to the condom? "Hot dog condom style."