Humor
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
What did the cow say to the leather chair?
“Hi Mom!”
A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.
The statistician shouts, "We got him!"
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't scream when you put meat inside it.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
Why was the turtle looking at her phone?
She wanted to take a shellfie.
Famous last words: I COULD EAT THIS IN ONE BITE!
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.
Your face is a joke.
I just stepped on a corn flake. I'm officially a cereal killer.
Why can't bugs drive... because they don't have a LICE-ens...
BA-DUM CHHH!
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
Q. What monster plays the most April Fools' pranks?
A. Prankenstein.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He didn't have any BODY to go with.
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?
Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Dishes."
"Dishes who?"
"Dishes a bad joke."
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.
If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?