Humor
Rape jokes aren't funny.
What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...
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A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"
One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."
A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"
"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
What is it called when you hit your funny bone at night?
Dark humor.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Why do we never make adult jokes in front of orphans?
Because the joke needs parental guidance.
My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.
What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!
It's not incest if you're adopted.
I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”
Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
A: To find Pooh!
I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.