Humor
I like my coffee the way I like jokes about my coffee, I don't.
Dark humor is like water, some people get it, some people don’t.
What’s Stephan Hawking's favorite dance move?
The robot.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
My name is Mr. Cheese, but your jokes are cheesier than me!
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches, I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish!
Then there is a bear, he thinks if that fly drops six inches, that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish!
This huntsman also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps up, bear runs out, eats the fish. I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear.
Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse, who also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps, bear runs, huntsman shoots,
He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket!!!!
I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!
Meanwhile...
there’s This cat!!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....
Easy pickings...
Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up. Bear grabs the fish. Huntsman shoots the fucking bear,
DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE!!
Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie
The cat slips over him (stacks it) cat falls in the river...
LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet)
WALLOP... try remembering all that in A pub pissed. Xx
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
You're so fat, no one was laughing, but the floor was cracking!
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
My asian neighbors dinner.
What do you call a priest that likes juice?
A Capriest Sun.
When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?
What did Adam say when he saw Eve?
Answer: "Woman!"
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
To keep their legs closed.
A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
what song did people in Hiroshima listen to?
"Here Comes the Sun."
What did the duck eat for lunch?
Soup and quackers.