Humor
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.
What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
A cardboard belt is a waste of paper.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
Incest is wincest. (That was above.)
Fun for the whole family!
Next of kin, count me in!
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?
A: Look in a mirror.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-
Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."
Orphan: And I took that, personally.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.