Health jokes

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

Your mama is so fat, you can't tell if she's pregnant or not.

What does a person eat before a race?

Answer: They fast.

What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?

An arti-“choke”!

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

"SpaStics on aplastic. Add me on ps4 SpaZZagaZZa54."

Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.

I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.

What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

...Full!

What do you call a basketball player with erectile dysfunction?

Tragic Johnson.

What is stuck between a doorway?

Rebel Wilson.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?

Battery acid.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable?

The wheel.

Q. What do ghosts do when they get hurt?

A. They call an AmBOOlance.

Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.