Health jokes
I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?
It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: “ASPERGER’S”
Your mamma is so dumb, she went to the dentist to get Bluetooth.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Q. What do rapists fear more than rabies?
A. Rape babies.
Sometime ago I went to the morgue and asked if they took walk-ins.
Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.
Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.
Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.
What do you give a sick lemon?
A lemon-aid.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
How did the other 18 COVIDs go unnoticed?
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.
They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why does cancer kill you? Because it does. 🌝
I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
Yo, Dad is so skinny, he doesn't work out enough.
Your mum's hairline was so long that you decided to get therapy.