Health jokes

Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?

He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

You're so skinny, starving Ethiopians offer you food!

I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.

What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

They both can’t get up without a dog.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

Official orgasm donor.

My friend died from Ligma!

Ligma balls.

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

You're so fat, when you step on a scale it says, "To be continued."

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep driving.

How do you know someone is going to die?

He can't stop coughing. (coffin)