Health jokes

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?

Cause they want to become Super Man.

Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.

During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.

What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?

Nothing, they both fell.

Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.

Why is a priest different from acne?

Acne waits to come on your face.

Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."