Health jokes
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
What does a person eat before a race?
Answer: They fast.
salad
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."
Why is a priest different from acne?
Acne waits to come on your face.
I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...
... And pulled a mussel.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.