Health jokes
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
What’s the difference between masturbation and brain damage?
After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Gay is a mental illness.
You're not thinking straight.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.