Health jokes
What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics, and she said I had to eat more vegetables.
Why is the orange 🍊 the fastest fruit?
Because it never runs out of juice.
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled?
It was because of a face-off in the corner.
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer, why?
Doctor: What are the chances?
Patient: Of what?
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
Gay is a mental illness.
You're not thinking straight.
You're so skinny, starving Ethiopians offer you food!
My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.