Health jokes
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?
Cause they want to become Super Man.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...
... And pulled a mussel.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's...
You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's.
Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.