Health jokes

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? That's funny, I don't remember asking.

Why is a priest different from acne?

Acne waits to come on your face.

Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.

What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?

Nothing, they both fell.

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

Why didn't the drummer play?

Because he got a percussion.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.

What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?

How did the tree get sick?

It got tinsel-itis.

Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

What does a person eat before a race?

Answer: They fast.

Your mom is SOO stupid, she was studying for a COVID test.

What’s the worst part of a vegetable?

A wheelchair.

Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.