Health jokes
Are you corona? Cuz it’s hard to breathe around you ;)
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer…
All of the bristles fell out!
Q. What do you call a hooker in a vegetative state? A. A thot incapable of thought.
You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
What do most disabled people eat?
Their arm.
Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...
What does a bird say when it gets sick?
I flu!
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.
He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.
What did COVID say to the American?
Nothing, it just took its breath away...
What do you call a person whose heart stopped?
Dead.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.