Health jokes
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
Memes
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.