Health jokes

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because it felt crummy.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled?

It was because of a face-off in the corner.

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."

What does a person eat before a race?

Answer: They fast.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

My favorite kind of face mask is the plastic bag.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

You're so skinny, starving Ethiopians offer you food!

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

You have a problem with jokes about dementia? That's funny, I don't remember asking.

When life gives you melons, You’re probably dyslexic.

Me: Hey friend!

Friend: Yes?

Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.

Friend: Touch.

Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)

Friend: Grass.

Me: And you get?

Friend: Touch grass.

One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.