Touch Jokes

Hell

You Wouldn't Care Anyway
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A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?". The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!".

9

Blonde

Anonymous
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A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says "Okay I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts". So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me??" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

3

Priest

Anonymous
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Roses are red, don’t touch the toys, these are what the priests use to lure in the boys.

8

Grandpa

Carter014
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One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says “well can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied “no”. So the grandpa says “okay.” And leaves it at that and walks off. A few years later the boy asks his grandfather for some money again and his grandfather once again asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says “yes it can.” To which the grandpa says “good, now go fuck yourself.”

0

Toilet Paper

Paul Bartram
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I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll

1

Jack and Jill

Addison
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna." Jill said yes, took off her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

7

Old Lady

Shujiko
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

2

Cry

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*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Which came first? The colour orange or the fruit?

Who taught the first ever teacher?

If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?

In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?

Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'seperate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?

How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?

The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, its a cop"?

Is it possible to cry underwater?

If two left handers have an argument, who is right?

I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O

Girl

Vana
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A little girl beinng Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do Child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Priest

Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
·

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Wife

ImaJoke
·

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.

Finger

Anonymous
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So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it jokes on her she doesn't have any fingers.

Bad

Damyanl27
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You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and your wet.

Peace

kristan davies
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A slag is like the first peace of bread in a loaf everyone touches it but no body wants it.

0

Accident

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Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car.

Michael Jackson

Anonymous
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How do you know when it's bed time in Netherland?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321
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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Braille

Anonymous
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DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille

Atom

Anonymous
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atoms never touch, so it means, we haven't touch each other or anything, so sir, I did not drop-kick that child