Health jokes
How do you get a depressed person to jump?
Put them on a bridge.
Your mom is so fat, she starts with the letter O in the alphabet because O.B.C.D. (Obesity).
What happens if you inhale too much nitrous oxide (laughing gas)?
You die of laughter.
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Memes
Why did the doctor get mad?
Because he was losing his patients.
We just found out Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
I went to an emo kid who just got a haircut, and instead of saying, "Like your cut, G," I slapped his arm and said, "I like your cuts, G."
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
What is better than winning gold at the Para Olympics?
WALKING!
Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.
With great depression comes great antidepressants.
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
I would've made a joke about Alzheimer's, too bad I forgot about it...
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.