Health jokes
Guy 1: What's your favorite vegetable?
Guy 2: Stephen Hawking.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
Jack and Jill ran up the hill to pop some pills,
And Jill said, "Jack can do her without here will," and Jack's penis was still.
What's the best cure for aging? Suicide.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
A joke, huh?
My sense of humor.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
Was he under insurance claim?
A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail. "Doctor, doctor!" He cries out. "What is it?" The doctor asks. "I can't feel my legs!" The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded. ". . . That's because I amputated your arms."
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
💪 💪 🏋️♂️ What do you get when you cross a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a bukkake slut, and a physically disabled gay white male who works out at the gym, who is a sex worker?
Cum Junkie.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.
What do you call a fat downie?
A couch potato.
My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.
She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭
Ralphie: They put drugs in our medication?
Me: The medication is the drugs.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Guess why Stephen died?? Because his wife forgot to put him on charge at night.