Health jokes
My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
What do you call a group of ethnically diverse disabled people?
Seasoned vegetables.
Memes
I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
Once my sister was a sister, now she's a blister.
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
Halloween joke:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?
A blood test.
What's at least 6 inches long and goes in your mouth, and it's more fun if it vibrates?
A toothbrush.
What is six inches, goes in your mouth, and it's fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush.
What’s the best way to get gum out of hair?
Cancer.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat the cancer.
What’s the best way to make sure you don’t get COVID?
Suicide.