Health jokes
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.
Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]
Why can't you say hi to a drug addict?
They'll say "yea."
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
How much do the bones in your body weigh? A skele-ton!
What does a person eat before a race?
Answer: They fast.
Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.
One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.
And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.
And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
Me: Knock knock.
My Grandma: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
My Grandma: Interrupting c-
[Dies from heart attack]
Why did the man become stupid?
Cause he was suicidal, herbivorous. Ja...
What do people with cancer always want to watch?
"Finding Chemo."
Why do emo kids not run? Because their bodies will tear apart from the bones from all the cuts.
I have nut cancer...
Technoblade can defeat every Minecraft player, but he still can't defeat cancer!