Health jokes
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
How do you lift a depressed person up?
No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.
What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!
What is the difference between me and cancer?
My mom did beat cancer.
Why did he kill himself?
Because he is adopted to a fat man who farts.
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
Uma Thurman's optometrist must have wide glasses sometimes.
So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ my titties, and then I felt a shoe get shoved all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE’S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched, and got smacked in the face. Went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF r u starin at," I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I though this this isnt over motherfucker imma find u and kill u next thing i new i was in the hospital they told me why tf were u fighting a stops sign? I said what u were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign i sad bitchi aint crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka
Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.
China wants their name on everything but the m.f. virus.
My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
He is helping world hunger by feeding cancer.
What’s red and bad for your dental health? A brick.
What’s invisible and bad for you to breathe? Mustard gas.
What’s green and bad for you to drink? Radioactive waste.
Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.