Health jokes

What do you give a pig when it has a rash?

Oinkment.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

What do you get if you eat sugar?

High.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

What's breakdancing, twitching, and noisy?

A child with epilepsy.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

Why did the man put himself on fire?

To BURN Calories.

How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth?

You get a good connection.

I once had a patient who wanted to change his species.

I'll tell you, he was unBEARable.

A man walks into a bar... Oww!

I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.

That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.

What kind of cold flu do the Japanese get? The Koflu.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.