Health jokes
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
If you get an apple a day, what does it give you?
Worms and rotten fruit.
I never liked unnatural adult stars with implants and face surgeries because they look photoshopped, and they always need a ton of lube to get into due to how plastic they are.
I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
I decided to make a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. It's called "Spastics on Elastics."
What do you call my sister?
Suicidal.
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
When it's NNN but you have a peanut allergy: 🥳
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
Why did the doctor get mad?
Because he was losing his patients.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat the cancer.
You fighting? More like you're dying!
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid.
What do you say when your friend has an ankle sprain?
"Damn bro, you got an ankle spring!"
A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?