Health jokes

I'm a recovering cake addict.

Spppppp.

A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"

What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"

He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"

I need to go to the hospital because I'm getting shot by a PUN.

Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?

When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.

Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*

She has cancer.

Want one way to get a free haircut?

Call the cancer hotline.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.

Guy 1: What's your favorite vegetable?

Guy 2: Stephen Hawking.

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

There was a deaf man. He was deaf. Ha, sucks for him! (sans undertale)

Your mama is so fat that all restaurants say, "Maximum weight 240KG or your mum!"

You've got a body inside you. It's called your bones.

What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?

Acne comes on your face when you're 13.

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?

Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...

What did buttholes say after taking a dump?

Buttholes say what a good diarrhea dump.