Health jokes

Why did only blonds show up at Saturday's party during the Corona crisis?

Because their computers flashed, "Virus blocked!"

I have ligma.

A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.

He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.

What do you call an Italian with an anesthetic?

Ruberto

If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?

If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, do you take him to PC World or A&E?

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

Every hair zodiac has a hairstyle--except Cancer.

Mrs. Mallara's boobs were (69) pounds. She said that was too too too much (69222), so she went to 51st Street (6922251) to visit Doctor X (6922251 x), and the surgery lasted 8 hours (6922251 x 8).

She ended up (the total flipped upside down spells boobless) (=)55378008

Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"

Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"

Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)

What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ my titties, and then I felt a shoe get shoved all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE’S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched, and got smacked in the face. Went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF r u starin at," I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I though this this isnt over motherfucker imma find u and kill u next thing i new i was in the hospital they told me why tf were u fighting a stops sign? I said what u were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign i sad bitchi aint crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka

My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.

Ha Ha Ha

I thought it was funny.

I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."

What do you call a wet condom?

A wet condom.

Dear uncle, I want my condoms.

What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

Why did the girl not eat her dinner?

because she has an eating disorder.