Health jokes

What song is sung when conceiving?

"Let's Get Physical, Physical!"

So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.

What did the doctor say to the potato?

It told it it had tuberculosis.

An apple walked into the clinic.

The doctor asked what his favorite color was.

The apple said "red." :)

I know a little girl who once had an accident. When I asked her what her favorite song was, she responded with "🎶Head, shoulders, wheels, and frame! Wheels and frame!🎶"

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

Who's climbing the tree?..... Not Sarah.

Who is in hospital?.... Sarah.

Why don't nurses like giving old people baths or showers?

Because they don't want their vegetables to get soggy.

Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.

Yo mama so fat that when he was talking to a man, her bowels fell out.

When you went to McDonald's and sat down, you were so fat, they said, "TBC."

Which is more disabling, is it autism or Down syndrome?

Down syndrome sucks!

Why did the ass go to therapy?

It couldn't deal with all the crap.

Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!

True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

TRUE STORY!

X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.

I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!

Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!