Health jokes

So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂

Yo momma so skinny, she wipes with floss!

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

How does a train sneeze?

It goes, "A-choo choo!"

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

Your mum is so fat, she eats every meal from KFC, Maccas, Hungry Jacks all at once!

What has legs but can't walk?

Don't know? A paralyzed person ;))

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

Like if I'm fine-ish.

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

What’s the hamburgler’s retarded cousin? Aspergler.

Did you know some people don't put on masks because they wanna act like something? Some put masks on to show their depression and feeling.

*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*

*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*

Well what am I gonna do now...

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.