What kind of bees eat brains?
Zombees.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."
Walnut says, "I look like a brain."
Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."
Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"
Your forehead is so big your inner thoughts echo.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him.
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
Scientists say I'm made up of 75% of water.
But after jumping in the ocean, it's 100%, just like my depression.
How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?
Two, one for her and one for the baby.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
What is the difference between a feminist and a gorilla? One of them is fat and hairy, while the other one has a functional brain (the gorilla, of course).
Why was JFK stupid? He only had half a brain.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
Putin's Brain:
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
