Health jokes
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
Rory Burrows is dyslexic.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
Have you met Bofa?
Bofa deez blind kids!
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
Memes
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.
I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.
What do you call someone with notorious special needs and an extra chromosome?
The double trouble.
Why is the world split in half? Because fat people are weighing the Earth down.
"Stand up for yourself! Oh, come on, walk it off."
You have two brain cells; one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!
The amputee: -_-
He pimples?
Your mum's hairline was so long that you decided to get therapy.
Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?
Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.
If Jonny ate 29 out of 30 chocolate bars what would he have? Diabetus. Jonny would have diabetus.
Why don't some people have balls? Because they play soccer with them.
"Chelsea is the most consistent team.
One win in August, one win in September, and one win in October; it's just like a menstrual cycle.
If they don't win in November, just know that they're pregnant." 😅
A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"