Health jokes
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.
Q: Why doesn't a skeleton mother drink water?
A: Because it gives her more work!
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”
Cancer is like your dad. It only comes back when Blueface baby drops a new album.
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?
Motor disease.
I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.
Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?
Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
Q: What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair.
I had amnesia once... maybe twice.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
What do you call a frozen Band-Aid?
Cool-Aid!
Why can't you be gay and in a wheelchair?
Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.