Health jokes

Rory Burrows is dyslexic.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!

Me: My therapist says I need those to live.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.

Have you met Bofa?

Bofa deez blind kids!

When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!

Back bent.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!

I got something long stuck inside me last night, dammit, that needle hurt.

What did Eminem call himself when he lost weight?

Slim Shady.

Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.

Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.

Why do you like cream instead of bugs?

Because bugs can kill you.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.

What do you call a body without a nose?

Nobody knows.

If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.

Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.

Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.