Health jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue. I see you, I see you; you would have to work out.
If just Africa had more mosquito nets, millions of innocent mosquitoes could be saved from a horrible death of AIDS.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
What does a depressed person say when they're happy?
"..."
Yo momma so stupid, when someone got cardiac arrest, she tried to put the person to court, and when the judge said "ORDER AT THE COURT," she thought it's a food court and ordered 20 Big Macs and got a heart attack.
You're an alcoholic!
If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.
If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.
What time is it when you have a toothache?
2:30 (Tooth hurty).
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
What do depression and suicide have in common?
Nothing, they're both hanging.
Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.
When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!
What is Stephen Hawking's best side?
The left.
When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."
Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?
Because he didn't want to get ripped.
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."