Health jokes
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump?
A: Erection fraud. (Just a joke.)
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
What do you call diarrhea from a hot woman? Chocolate milk.
What do you call diarrhea from a fat woman? Arsenic.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
What is Ronaldo's favorite fruit?
Oranges because they have vitamin C.
Why does Aaron have no friends? Because his spine is weird and he is fat.
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"
"Her miscarriage."
Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.
What can you catch, but not throw?
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What is Chuck Norris' favorite Sonic song?
"Open Your Heart."
What's the most optimistic blood type? B+.
What disease causes wrinkled clothes? An iron deficiency.
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"