Health jokes

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

You're an alcoholic!

What do depression and suicide have in common?

Nothing, they're both hanging.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?

Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.

Your mama is so stupid, Patrick Starr ran away because he thought she might be contagious.

I poo 11 times a day.

Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."

I asked my mom with cerebral palsy a question.

Still waiting on an answer.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

What does a depressed person say when they're happy?

"..."

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

Yo momma so stupid, when someone got cardiac arrest, she tried to put the person to court, and when the judge said "ORDER AT THE COURT," she thought it's a food court and ordered 20 Big Macs and got a heart attack.