Health jokes
What should people do with their floppy dicks?
I give them a good wiggle waggle to raise awareness of something!
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abort!
My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.
They both went extinct.
What disease do you get from eating fish?
Salmonella!
Memes
Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
How much did the liver weigh?
It weighed a skeleTON.
I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.
It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!
What do you call an overly clingy child?
A tumor.
Why is 2020 the worst year? Because COVID-19!
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.
What does a bird say when it gets sick?
I flu!
Sally fell off the swing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Sally.
My mental health.