Health jokes

When someone calls you, say "Welcome to Joe's Pizza Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce."

Why didn't the teddy bear go to the gym?

Because he didn't want to get ripped.

My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Will I survive?

Doctor: Probably not.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

Your mum went to the dentist so she could install Bluetooth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.

What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

You're so skinny the world turns to the left!

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.