My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.
She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭
So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.
Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.
Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?
Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.
Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.
Dam, my balls itch like hell.
Down syndrome and brownies.
"Cancer isn't real. It's probably special effects."
Why does Ella have cancer?
Because she’s stupid.
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What do you call two Michael J. Fox's standing next to each other?
Parallel Parkinson's.
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
Where did the chef put the disease?
In Ebola.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?
As fat as Ben Dingley.
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.
Q: Why doesn't a skeleton mother drink water?
A: Because it gives her more work!
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
Two pencils walking down the street.
Which one hasn’t got AIDS?
The one with the rubber on.
