Health jokes

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?

Your mum went to the dentist so she could install Bluetooth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?

Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.

For so long, I thought I was a Gemini, apparently I'm Cancer!

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

You're so skinny the world turns to the left!

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.

What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.