Health jokes

What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking 5 oysters up your grandmother and sucking 6 out!

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweet-ment!

John pretended to be a doctor.

Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."

John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"

Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."

John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"

Motu said, "I lost my memory."

John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

What do you call it if you find an old organ keyboard on the side of the road?

Organ harvesting.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."

Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

Mom: Wake up!

Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...

Mom: Why are you disappointed?

Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...

What's black and red/read all over? A baby skunk with a bad case of diaper rash!

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)

I had a glass of Schweppes lemonade in one hand and a glass of R. Whites in the other. I got into a hot sweat. I think I have Corona Virus.

I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.

My foot itches.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

POOP!

If only Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich...

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.