Health jokes

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Doctor: You have cancer.

Patient: Will I survive?

Doctor: Probably not.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."

I asked my mom with cerebral palsy a question.

Still waiting on an answer.

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

Your mum went to the dentist so she could install Bluetooth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.

My ass itches.

What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.

What’s worse than a girl getting a period?

A boy getting a period.

I poo 11 times a day.