Health

Health jokes

Priest

    • After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

    The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

    "How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

    The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

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    • Ink

    • Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

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    • Health memes

    Cancer

    • We wrote letters to a kid with cancer.

    My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road, but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

    Accident

    • A woman wakes up in a hospital after an accident and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

    And the doctor says, "I know, I amputated your arms."

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    • Man

    • A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

    So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

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    • Coronavirus

    • *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

    The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

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    • Disease

    • "Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

    That's what Elliot Rodger did.

    Chicken

    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To eat Bob's arms.

    Bob went to hospital and had no arms.

    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Not Bob.

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    • Vagina

    • A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.

    The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:

    "Num num num num num!"

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