Couch Jokes

dankmemester

so i was sitting on the couch with a woman,and i asked her,does this napkin smell like chloroform?

3
The Irish Outlaw

I like my couches like my I like my women… Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

0
Ayyyyyy

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! were making cake!” So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! Howd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

But she hasn’t tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 positions. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same. But the bf didn’t know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly the girl had an urge to fart, but hold it in because her asshole was right near his bf face. Suddenly she loses control, and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says

“Bitch if you think I’ll be lying here for 67 more of those, you’re fucking crazy.”

Anonymous
in Dad

Do one day i was sitting on my couch watching youtube when i heard a knock on the door. i opened the door and to my surprise it was my dad. i haven’t seen him in 16 years, so i let him in. i noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge. then he walked towards me and said “Oh no! i forgot the cereal!” then he walked out the door and drove away. i never saw him again

Foreshadow011
in Death

I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn’t know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately…”

9
dankmemester

what do you call a lazy gay? someone who comes straight out of the closet,and goes straight to the couch.

1
HaHaHaHaHaHa
in Annoying

Q:what do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch {somewhere}

A: a couch potato HaHaHa

Anonymous

Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.

christopher

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

0
Anonymous
in Yo mama

Your momma is so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

2
David Unwin
in Puns

A cow is at his friend’s house for a sleepover party. Sadly, all of the beds are taken. Where does the cow sleep?

On the COWch (couch)

2
Anonymous
in Fat

Your mama is so fat that when she sat down on the couch for a family picture it was just her.

spicy
in Stupid

my friend " ya mama so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch" me " THAT JOKES OLDER THAN YOUR MOM "

zach
in Yo mama

yo mama so clueless she sat on the tv to watch the couch

Anonymous

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I’m probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn’t feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn’t want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn’t say a word about it, he didn’t move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

What was the drug addict’s favorite nursery rhyme? I’m a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out

Ethan

How do you punish Helen keler just move the couch

Watersharky

One day I was on my phone then I got a text message from my Girl Friend, “Hey Sexy boy wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean…” then I just stopped and froze I read the message I said, “Yeah sure…” she replied really fast, “Theres going to be a few people there ok.” but i didn’t read the next message… she said, “Come right at 12:00 AM.” but i didn’t read it I walked into her house but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise and it sounded like HER!! so I hide behind the couch and I looked through the open door and saw somthing I didn’t want to see… Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!

Texas Mary
in Cow

What’s a cow’s favorite piece of furniture? The cowch ( couch)