Health jokes
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
Did you hear they found a cure for autism? It's called Zyklon B.
Light it up blue 🔵
This is Sally.
Sally says hi.
This is Sally when a car comes by. 🤕
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
How do you get a depressed person to jump?
Put them on a bridge.
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
What is it that gay men can't get from having too much oral sex?
Erectile dysfunction.
One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
What's the chunkiest part of vegetable soup?
The wheelchair.
Scientists are trying to find a cure for anorexics. It should be a piece of cake!
Q. What is Terri Schiavo's favorite Eminem song?
A. "Till I Collapse."
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
Doctor: I can't treat you.
Orphan: Why!
Doctor: I'm a family doctor.