Urine

Urine jokes

Drunk

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

  • 6
  • Fly

    What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

    It got pissed off.

  • 3
  • Kid

    Blind

    I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

    Vineyard

    The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

    The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

    The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

    The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

    Memes

    Snow

    What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

    Woman

    There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

    Tank

    Chuck Norris once pissed in the tank of a semi as a joke.

    It is now known as Optimus Prime.

    Blonde

    Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

    Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

    Test

    Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

    Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

    Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

    Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

    Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

    Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

    Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

    Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

    Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

    Receptionist

    Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

    Dad

    A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"

    Uranus

    I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆

    Pee

    A man goes for a pee in a haunted house.

    He unzips his pants at the urinal when a man dressed as a goblin chuckles next to him. "You got a small dick, buddy," the man says to him.