Health jokes

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

My mom once told me to spread positivity across the world, so I did.

I spread Covid across the globe because I tested positive :D

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

Joe mama so dumb she studies for the COVID test.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a Covid test and got an F.

Herpes? No, I don't want her. Her pees.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.

We just found out Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than Grandma.

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.