Health jokes

Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?

Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.

What do you call a flat-chested depressed person?

A cutting board.

The African kids' theme song is "Staying Alive."

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

What’s the worst part of a vegetable?

A wheelchair.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

What part of a vegetable can’t you eat?

The wheelchair. 😑

If you were a fruit, you would be a fineapple.

If you were a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

People say rape is bad. It is because I don't want STD and HIV.

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?

A baked potato.

I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

You're an alcoholic!

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.