Health jokes
Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
What did the bird go to the hospital for?
For tweetment!
Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
What do Hiroshima and Nagasaki share in common with balls?
They both drop.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."
What should people do with their floppy dicks?
I give them a good wiggle waggle to raise awareness of something!
What disease do you get from eating fish?
Salmonella!
Why shouldn’t you do drugs? Weedle make you high.
How can Pikachu make a baby laugh? By playing pika-boo!
What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?
I’m Zaptos intolerant!
What do you call my sister?
Suicidal.
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]
Joe Biden doesn’t follow his own f**king mask mandate.
If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”