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Health jokes

If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)

Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.

They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?

But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?

In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?

Thing 2: I don't know, what?

Thing 1: One gets hard faster.

One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."