Addiction jokes
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
What happens when a cow masturbates?
Beef jerky.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
I'm a recovering cake addict.
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
What’s the difference between drugs and kids?
I don’t do drugs.
Wanna hear somethin' ironic?
When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.
Why should you shoot a homeless crackhead in the head?
Because they're basically zombies.
Where do sex addicts go when they need to talk? Hoe-and-Tell.
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
This is how I got [redacted]
Don't give emos crack, they're high enough.
If sugar is a drug, does that mean putting it in coffee is overdose?