Girlfriend jokes

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

And I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old!"

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

Why did the toad cross the road?

To show his girlfriend he had guts.

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

Yeah, she said, "Do you love me?" I said, "Only partly. I love my bed and my mommy. I'm sorry."

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

Guess the joke.

Your girlfriend.

So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.

During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile... That's a big word for a 1st grader.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.