How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? – One. They are efficient and don’t have humor.
If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him
Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the darkness, but because the darkness is afraid of him.
How many babys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more then 9 cause my basement is still dark
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? – Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.
Doctor: “Does your p.... burn after intercourse?”
Patient: “I don’t know. I never tried lighting it.”
God: ok so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look like from being born to preteen. Satan:(slides in) I’ll take over for you pops. God: I dunno….this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system. Satan: don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18! God: Hmm…I’m still not-(Gets a call on his phone) shoot I got to take this. (Answers call) don’t touch anything Lucifer! (Walks away) Satan:…….(just touches lightly and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away) God:(rushes in) WHAT THE F... DID YOU DO?!?! God:(tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) f... me……… God:….(sighs) fine it’ll stay. We’ll just call it….puberty