Girlfriend jokes

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.

His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.

The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?

Boyfriend: Let's go to bed.

Girlfriend: No.

Boyfriend: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you want sex.

Boyfriend: No, I don't.

NEXT MINUTE

The man could hear banging.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

My girlfriend asked, "Why is this test so long and hard?"

I then said, "You know what else is long and hard..."

She was amazed!

I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.

What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

Her abortion.

What's black, anorexic, dumb, and will never get a girlfriend?

Me.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!

I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!

When you accidentally choke your girlfriend to death and then realize that it's your sister so who gives a f**k?

What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"

He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

My girlfriend asked for a kiss, so I gave her my dick.

I have a girlfriend with a big dick.