Girlfriend jokes

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?

A girl actually dates the paper.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

Guy: shows girlfriend his dick.

Girlfriend: "Cool, where is it?"

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.

A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.