Girlfriend jokes

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

When your girlfriend has an abortion, it's kinda like dodging your own bullets.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.