Girlfriend Jokes

Katgod, can you get your girlfriend? She's messing with me, and I'm gonna hurt soon.

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Bully: How is your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have one!

Bully: I know!

Me: How are your parents?

*Walks out of orphanage*

The image presents a comparison between a "Girlfriend" and a "Leopard 2 A7 Tank". The "Girlfriend" side lists negatives such as "Can't fire missiles", "Never protects you", "Minds if you roam with other girls", and "Breaks up with you". The "Leopard 2 A7 Tank" side lists positives like "Can fire missiles", "Has a bulletproof outer shell", "Doesn't mind if you use other tanks", and "Virtually impossible to break."

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...

Because you already look ugly.

STORY OF 2 PEOPLE NOT ME:

Girlfriend: What would you do if I won the lottery?

Boyfriend: I would take half and leave you.

Girlfriend: Ok cool. I won 12 dollars here's 6 and don't come back.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.

Her: Prove it.

Me: (opens freezer)

A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend, and the maitre d' says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

I took my girlfriend to the beach, and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale.

Hey, my man, why you got them damn old, stanky-looking Whoopi Goldberg cornrows on you head? Are y'all twins, or boyfriend and girlfriend, 'cause if y'all are, go get married in Color Purple land.

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

For my girlfriend and friends to chat :)

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."