Girlfriend

Girlfriend Jokes

Kid

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

Bruise

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

Daycare

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Orphanage

Bully: How is your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have one!

Bully: I know!

Me: How are your parents?

*Walks out of orphanage*

Relationship

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

Lottery

STORY OF 2 PEOPLE NOT ME:

Girlfriend: What would you do if I won the lottery?

Boyfriend: I would take half and leave you.

Girlfriend: Ok cool. I won 12 dollars here's 6 and don't come back.

Wheelchair

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Body

Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.

Her: Prove it.

Me: (opens freezer)

Man

A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend, and the maitre d' says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”

Dryer

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

Whale

I took my girlfriend to the beach, and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale.

Man

Hey, my man, why you got them damn old, stanky-looking Whoopi Goldberg cornrows on you head? Are y'all twins, or boyfriend and girlfriend, 'cause if y'all are, go get married in Color Purple land.

Pedophile

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

House

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

Jail

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

Emo

I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.

Linkin park

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.