Fucking jokes

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

Both: FUCK YEAH!

Have you ever heard of sex? Because you just got fucked.

Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.

If you're seeing this, this is your sign to go fuck yourself.

I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!

Did you hear that Rushdie has a new book? It's titled "Buddha, that Fat Fuck."

My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!

If I fantasize about fucking a UCP Cabinet Minister,

Does that mean I'm sexually Conservative?

Your forehead is so fucking big, I had to call an Uber to get across the eyebrows to your hairline.

I know it's bad, sorry.

What do you call a fucked up mullet? A fullet.

P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?

P2: I don't know.

P1: Wow, you sick fuck!

My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.

Me: I have a dream.

Mom: What?

Me: For you to fucking shut up.

What do you tell twins who are in love with each other?

Go fuck yourself!

Dino nuggets are kinda hot. Also, I want to fuck the brown M&M.

Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

"The f*** am I even doing here?"