Fucking jokes

Your forehead is so fucking big, I had to call an Uber to get across the eyebrows to your hairline.

I know it's bad, sorry.

What do you call a fucked up mullet? A fullet.

P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?

P2: I don't know.

P1: Wow, you sick fuck!

Me: I have a dream.

Mom: What?

Me: For you to fucking shut up.

What do you tell twins who are in love with each other?

Go fuck yourself!

symple: Why did you include me in this fuckery?

symple: And why the fuck am I the profile picture?

angela: Because you are the thot of the group.

symple: Well it takes one to know one.

symple: Aren't Thot jokes just "whore'able?"

angela: FUCK OFF!

Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

"The f*** am I even doing here?"

Go fuck yourself!

Fuck me.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

Friend (Evan): Did you do some dumb shit?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Did you get us both in trouble?

Me: Hell yeah.

Friend (Evan): Will I still help you because you are my best friend?

Both: FUCK YEAH!

Have you ever heard of sex? Because you just got fucked.

Fuck people who are bigger than me physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and socially.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Why the fuck is this guy calling me a crying bitch?

My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!

Fuck clankers. Wait, not like that.

I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.