Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
Why can't a cheetah play hide and seek?
Because he's always spotted.
Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*
Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.
A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.
Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"
Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.
Do you want to play Titanic?
When I say iceberg, you go down on me.
Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.
Why can't Indians play football? Because every time they take a corner, they make a shop.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
