You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Cannibal (n.) Someone who is fed up with people.
I only have 4 moods:
• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
• fuck it
and for those who have just given up
• fuck
This is beautiful.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass because she couldn't make him cum.
If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.
Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.
Maths...
....Addition, frustration, subtraction, aggression, depression.
The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.
Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
When you get mad, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their mom?
Dear Autocorrect, I never wanted to spell the word "bigger".
