Riddles

Anonymous

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

8

Animal

Anonymous

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. – She was eaten by a giant crab.

Depression

Being Depressed is gReAT

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain…

Me: So… You’re new? Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know… Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job… Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends! Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos) Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

1

Border

Anonymous

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

3

Chuck Norris

Anonymous

Chuck Norris has been to Mars…that’s why there is no signs of life there.

Sister

Hes Here

So Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC’s so he goes home and ask his mom who’s cooking “Whats the first letter of the ABC’s?” he ask and his mom responds with “SHUT UP… I’M COOKING!” so then he walks to sister who’s signing in the shower and asks her “Whats the 2nd letter of the ABC’s?” she responds with “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” then he walks over to his brother who’s watching batman and asks “Whats the 3rd letter of the ABC’s” and his brother responds with “nu nu nu nu batman” then he proceeds to walk to his dad who’s watching football and ask “Dad whats the 4th letter of the ABC’s?” and he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD!” then he walks to his grandma who’s cooking buns and ask her “Whats the 5th letter of the ABC’s?” and she responds with “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!” then he Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day and the teacher says to her class “Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC’s” Johnny of course raises his hand and the teacher calls on him then he says “SHUT UP I’M COOKING!” then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says “Young man are you ready to go to the principals office?” then he proceeds to say “I’m ready to go I’m ready to go!” and he walks to the principals office then she says “What’s you’re name son?” he responds with “Nu nu nu nu batman!” then the principal ask “How many spanken’s boy?!” he responds with “95 HIT EM HARD” and after that he runs out of the principal’s office well yelling “MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!”

Doctor

Chloe

I walked in to the doctors surgery and and he said to me “pick a star sign any star sign” “I said Capricorn” He said “Nahh you got cancer”

Puns

Anonymous

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Chance

Gonky😂

You know when you sign up for something and it says im not a robot guess he never had the chance to tick that

Wall

Anonymous

Sign on my attorney’s office wall: “You can’t have manslaughter without laughter.”

Doctor

Big man

So i went to the doctors and the doctor said "Pick a star sign any star sign" So i said "Aquarius" And the doctor said “nah mate you’ve got cancer”

Offensive

Bob77

So a Irish man is walking his poodle and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints. So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says sorry you can’t go in. The Irish man says why can’t I go in? Well you have a dog sir and that sign over there says no dogs aloud your going to have to leave him outside. Well the Irish man thinks quick and says. I’m blind it’s a seeing eye dog. The owner says that’s ridiculous a seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that. The Irish man says well what kind of dog did they give me??😂

0

Blonde

Anonymous

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “Ive kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

2

Border

Adv3nt

Why don’t mexicans cross the border in groups of 3? Cause the sign says “No Trespassing”

Puns

Anonymous

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Drunk

steph3n show

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

0

Hair

Zodiac

Every zodiac sign has a hair style except for cancer

Orphan

Anonymous

why can’t orphans play online games. Because they don’t have parents to sign them up

4

Puns

Anonymous123

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!

5

Smoking

D.A.D. Jokes

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000" But that’s not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.