Fucking jokes

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

Why did I beat up the orphan? Because he was a whiny bitch who wouldn't shut the fuck up.

How do you f**k a duck?

Usually duck a f**k.

Imagine losing your child in WW2 and your son fucking respawns, so you tell him off for not getting enough kills.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

Nepali people are so fucking racist, like I want them all to be extinct.

Obi-Wan be like:

"To Darth Maul, lightsabers are blue, lightsabers are red. I cut you in half, why the fuck aren’t you dead?"

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

When you go to your girlfriend's house but accidentally go into her dad's room and fuck him anyway.

Stephen could not click the "I'm not a robot" button, so I guess he is fucked.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

My respect for you didn't just go through the roof, it touched the fucking sun!

Fuck clankers. Wait, not like that.

Hey babe, I’m looking to get 23 years in 23 seconds, can you help?

I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Why the fuck is this guy calling me a crying bitch?